The Trial
by Hikari M666
Summary: Bakura's life of crime has caught up with him...in a sense that he is now on trial. But do you really think this trial will go smoothly? Mild shounen ai, yaoi references.
1. Intro and Seto

The Trial

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

I love Bakura. Well, I love all the Yugioh guys…but Bakura's my favourite. So I just HAD to write this fic. Contains a little yaoi, a little swearing…nothing too terrible. Enjoy!

Summary: Bakura's life revolves around crime. It was inevitable that he should be arrested and taken to court eventually – and this is how his court case turned out.

Disclaimer: Okay, okay, fine. Yugioh is definitely not mine. If it was, it would be VERY different…and probably R-rated.

This is all from the gorgeous Bakura's POV, by the way. I'm sure you'd assume as much after reading the first sentence, but I just had to make sure. And also, I have nothing against lawyers. I once considered being a lawyer myself. But from Bakura and Marik's point of view, lawyers would definitely be the people who suck all the fun out of life.

* * *

I don't think I like trials all that much. Not that I've experienced one before, but the things Marik's told me…they sound really boring. The worst punishment someone gets is a few years in a cage. Big deal. Try being stuck in a ring for three millennia. Apparently, in the past, if someone did a _really_ bad crime they used to be killed for it, but whoever's in charge here now thought the world needed less violence and more happy, friendly, sick stuff. 

What is it with authority figures and spoiling everyone's fun?

Speaking of authority figures…this judge looks mighty pissed.

Ah; perhaps I should explain. This is a courtroom. I'm in a trial. _My _trial, to be exact. I am the – what's it called? – the _defendant._ Apparently – and I have no idea why they think this – I am a menace to society, and need to be locked up for the rest of my life. Well, excuse me for being unique.

The police people told me last week I was being called to court. They gave me the whole, "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you," speech that you hear on TV.

Is there any way that, "LET ME GO! YOU RA-DAMNED MORTALS HAVE NO POWER OVER ME AND IF YOU DO NOT OBEY ME I WILL SEND YOU ALL TO THE SHADOW REALM!", can be used against me?

I think the trial – sorry, MY trial – is starting. Everyone's being quiet. Too quiet. I start whistling something so that it's not so quiet. The judge glares at me. I don't like him, so I glare right back. But I stop whistling anyway.

Some guy on the other side of the room stands up and starts talking. Gods, he is ugly. He's wearing a fancy suit and his hair is very gelled. This morning Ryou tried to convince me to wear something good and brush my hair, because it would make a better impression on everyone, but I told him I'd rather kiss Marik. Ryou didn't look like he wanted to take that chance, so he let me come here dressed just as I always do. He warned me that most people don't really like leather-clad criminals who wear too much jewellery, but I said I didn't care. Sure, the judge keeps sending me suspicious glances, but at least I'm not all slick and gross like the greasy guy who's talking over the other side of the room.

Speaking of, I don't think this guy is on my side, here. He's telling everyone how horrible and evil I am and saying that I should be imprisoned like the criminal I am. "He stands here today…"

Actually, I'm sitting.

"In this court of law…"

There are courts _not_ of law? What, like a tennis court?

"Accused of multiple robberies, breaking and entering…"

To be fair, I never broke anything.

"Arson…"

Oh, come on. You think I _meant_ to set that store on fire?

"Kidnapping…"

There is no way abducting the Pharaoh in order to get his Puzzle can be described as _kid_napping.

"Attempted murder…"

Hey, I can't help that my powers allowing me to send people to the Shadow Realm need to be exercised occasionally!

"Murder in the first degree…"

As if they actually saw me murder someone! THEY HAVE NO PROOF!

"And paedophilia."

_What! _"Excuse me?" I say loudly; everyone is looking at me but I don't care. "Paedophilia? Are you saying I've been raping little kids?"

Everyone's mouth is open, like big O's. Apparently, I wasn't allowed to interrupt the greasy guy's speech. Well excuuuuse me. I think I have a right to deny claims of paedophilia against me! Because whatever crimes I am guilty of, I AM NOT a paedophile!

Greasy guy clears his throat. He's looking at me like I'm really stupid for calling out. "There are a number of witnesses to Mr. Bakura's criminal activities…"

Ugh. He called me _Mister_ Bakura. That's disgusting.

Finally, the evil judge says something. "Will the prosecution summon their first witness."

Summon? Like in Duel Monsters?

Greasy guy clears his throat again. "I call to the stand…"

Well don't keep us in suspense, Grease man.

"…Seto Kaiba."

Kaiba! Where? Where? What the – he was sitting in the crowd of people behind Greasy guy! Why didn't I see him there? I guess my view is a little obstructed, but Kaiba's so tall I should've picked him out ages ago.

So Mr. Bigshot CEO is a 'witness for the prosecution'. Now to find out what that means.

He's walking up to the front of the room, passing my chair. I wave to him, but he ignores me. Rich bastard. I'm glad everyone hates him.

He sits behind a podium next to the judge. The judge's podium is a lot higher than his. Why? Apart from glaring at me, the judge hasn't done a thing. What makes _him_ so important? This whole trial is about _me,_ and _I_ don't get a cool high seat and tall podium. I don't get a podium at all! All I've got is this crappy little table.

Greasy guy walks up to Kaiba. "You are Seto Kaiba, CEO of Kaiba Corporations, currently attending Domino High School?"

Bad idea, Grease man. Kaiba doesn't like questions where everyone already knows the answer.

"If I were not, then I wouldn't have come up here when you asked for Seto Kaiba," he says. Ooo. Icy voice. Greasy guy twitches. This should be good.

"A courtroom is no place for smart comments, Kaiba," he snaps. Another bad move already.

"_Mister_ Kaiba. I may still be a student but my status far outranks yours." His voice is so cold, I think I need a jacket. At least he's pissing off Greasy guy. Maybe he's not my enemy after all? _Someone_ needs to put Greasy guy in his place, after all. Who does he think he is, coming here and accusing me of a million different crimes, only some of which are true?

"_Mister_ Kaiba, may I remind you that this is a court of law, and that I am a lawyer!"

Oh, he's a _lawyer!_ Marik told me about lawyers. He hates them; says they suck all the fun out of breaking the law. Also, they don't just go after criminals – since all they want is money, they also pick on rich people and companies and take _their_ money. Maybe that's why Kaiba doesn't seem to be co-operating with Grease man.

Okay, I officially don't like lawyers. There's a blank sheet of paper on the table in front of me, and a pen, so I start writing a list.

PEOPLE TO HUNT DOWN AND SEND TO THE SHADOW REALM

1. The police who called me to court

2. The evil judge

3. Lawyers. All lawyers.

I think I shall keep this list.

Kaiba is saying something to the greasy lawyer again. Something along the lines of, "No, you may _not_ remind me that this is a court of law and that you are a lawyer, because as you may have noticed, I am not blind. But congratulations on not discriminating against all the visually impaired people of the jury."

Along the wall to my right, there's a box where twelve people – the _jury_, I guess – are sitting. Not sure what makes _them_ so special. At least five of them are fighting the urge to laugh, and I can't say I blame them. Kaiba's smart remarks are making Greasy guy very angry – his face is rather red. And he's at a loss for words.

"Hurry up and ask what you need to ask," Kaiba snaps. "I have a company to run, and you're wasting my time."

Twitch. Greasy lawyer is definitely not happy. "All right, Kaiba – _Mister_ Kaiba. Do you recognise the defendant?"

He's already forgotten the rule about not asking Kaiba stupid questions. And Kaiba looks ready to kill.

I pound my fist on the table. "You baka, greasy moron! Isn't it a bit obvious from the fact that he's _here_ that he knows who I am?"

(Insert evil glare from judge)

Fine. I'll shut up. For now.

Kaiba's still being questioned. "Have you ever witnessed the defendant involving himself in illegal activities?" the lawyer asks.

The CEO raises an eyebrow. "I would think a more appropriate question is, have I ever witnessed Bakura _not_ involving himself in illegal activities."

Was I questioning whether this guy was my enemy before? Because he is _definitely _my enemy.

"Would you please reiterate?"

"Hardly a second goes by in which Bakura is not committing a robbery, a murder, or," Kaiba's eyes glitter maliciously, "obscene acts upon underage members of society."

Argh!

"I am NOT a paedophile!" I yell. Where the hell are they getting this from?

The evil judge bangs his little hammer thing loudly. "Mr. Bakura, if you cannot control yourself, you will be detained indefinitely!" he says angrily.

My eye twitches. _Mister_ Bakura again.

"Fine," I growl.

"Not. Another. Word." The judge turns to Greasy guy. "Proceed."

I thought this was _my_ trial. How come the lawyer gets to talk but I don't? Would I be allowed to argue back if I had a lawyer of my own? If you can summon witnesses, can you summon lawyers? If the judge hadn't told me to shut up, I'd ask.

And Kaiba is _still_ being questioned. Yawn. This is getting boring. I zone out until it sounds like it's over.

"Finally," says the lawyer; I perk up at the word. "Mr. Kaiba, do you believe that the defendant deserves a jail sentence?"

Rich boy doesn't bat an eyelid. "Yes."

PEOPLE TO HUNT DOWN AND SEND TO THE SHADOW REALM

4. Kaiba.

"Very well. No further questions. You may stand down, Mr. Kaiba."

There is silence as Kaiba stands (and I'm sure he stands _up, _what in Ra's name does 'stand _down_' mean?). But now Greasy guy decides that's he's not done with the CEO yet after all.

"Incidentally, Mr. Kaiba – what is your relationship with the defendant? Are you friends?"

Yeah. When Hell freezes over and Honda rules the world.

A small smirk plays about Kaiba's lips. "Well, if being 'friends' can be implied in the situation, which is that I am screwing one of his best friends, then yes, I suppose we are."

…

…

…

…

WHAT!

WHAT THE HELL DID HE JUST SAY!

He's – he's doing _what_ to one of my friends!

I want to scream out berserk profanities, but if I do, the judge will probably order guards to drag me away. Although I think I should be entitled to a little shouting after what Kaiba just told everyone!

The judge, the lawyer, the jury, and all the people sitting behind me – all of them are frozen in shock. Their eyes look as if they'll fall out, and their mouths are wide open. I'm assuming no one has ever said, "I'm screwing one of his best friends," in court before. Especially as casually as Kaiba did.

_But who in Ra's name was he talking about? _

Who out of my friends would be _stupid_ enough to want to get laid by the stuck-up CEO? It's disgusting!

The lawyer, looking slightly shaken, finally speaks again. "Er…um…well, I think we can move on to – to the next witness."

Kaiba nods, still smirking. He returns to his seat amongst the other people.

"Er…" Greasy guy looks at his notes. "I guess – the next witness for the prosecution – well, on that note, I think the next witness can be…the – the friend of the defendant who is – is – er…_with_ Mr. Kaiba."

Oh, doesn't he have a way with words. He's scared as hell now of what the other witnesses will be like. I'm not; I'm really interested in knowing who the incredibly disgusting, sick, stupid excuse-for-a-friend of mine, who is screwing Seto Kaiba is.

Well, whoever it is, they're about to stand up…


	2. And Witness 2

The Trial

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

Wow, I didn't expect so much response from just the first chapter! Thanks guys, you rock!

So here is chapter 2…sorry it's delayed, and in my opinion not particularly good, but for me school started up again last week and I've had very limited writing hours.

* * *

I see blonde hair. MARIK! NOOO! IT CAN'T BE! TRAITOR!

Wait – the hair style's different. Oh, thank Ra. It's _not_ Marik. That would've been horrifying. And Malik wouldn't have been very happy.

Holy CRAP! It's not Marik, it's –

"JOUNOUCHI!" I yell. Don't you glare at me, judge! I HAVE A RIGHT TO YELL!

JOU is with KAIBA?

What is _happening_ to the world? When did this happen? Where was _I?_ Didn't they hate each other?

Jou walks up the front. As he passes me, I glare at him, giving him the "You are so dead" look. Honestly…him and Kaiba…gah! Horrible mental images! I don't want to know!

He sits where Kaiba, his_ boyfriend_, was before, up there next to the judge. All the people in the jury are looking at him with narrowed eyes, and I can tell they're thinking, "Ratty gay street punk. How did _he_ get with Seto Kaiba? Kaiba had so much potential…if only he'd chosen a nice young _lady_ instead, but now look what he's done."

Well, I can't really say I disagree with the whole, 'ratty gay street punk'. Technically it's true. But how exactly would Kaiba have been better off with a girl than with Jou? What's with these people and their stupid thoughts?

…

HOMOPHOBES! RABID HOMOPHOBES! Where's my list?

PEOPLE TO HUNT DOWN AND SEND TO THE SHADOW REALM

5. The jury. And all other homophobes.

And dim though he is, Jou can see how they're looking at him. If it was me, I'd be glaring right back at them, but he's just sitting there looking awkward. Gods he's submissive. Bet he's Kaiba's uke.

Mr. Lawyer still looks a little uncomfortable after questioning Kaiba, but he approaches Jou anyway. "What is your full name?" he asks nervously.

"Katsuya Jounouchi." Oh my Ra, he MUMBLED that. Don't tell me he's intimidated by the greasy lawyer!

"You are – in a physical relationship with Mr. Kaiba?"

Jou's entire face goes red. I guess that means he's not going to come up with some witty comeback like Kaiba would have done.

"Y-yes," he says quietly.

I guessed right.

Great. Now Greasy guy thinks that Jou's a pushover, and I can tell he's feeling a little braver. Now that he knows this guy's not like Kaiba in the least. I wish I was on the stand; I'd show this stupid lawyer a thing or two…preferably a very _bloody _thing or two.

"And you are, I gather, homosexual?"

No, he's straight. Kaiba's actually a woman.

"Yeah." What the hell does it matter?

"Has Mr. Bakura – " (I swear, if he calls me that one more time, he's asked his last stupid question.) " – ever shown any displays of homosexuality?"

Why? Is he interested in me? Too bad; I'm taken. Now what relevance does this have to the trial whatsoever?

"Not to me," Jou says quickly. Damn right, and I never will.

"But to others?"

"Well, yeah. He's gay too."

Everyone goes silent for a minute. I don't like it. "Anyone got a problem with that?" I say loudly.

No one, not even the evil judge doesn't move. Good. They all know I'll kill them if they say anything. I'd like to see them put me in jail if they're all DEAD!

Still silence. Okay, I'm getting bored. And when I get bored, the Shadow Realm makes its presence known.

"And – has he ever – " Greasy lawyer looks very awkward again. "Engaged in…sexual activities with anyone underage?" His face goes red as he says it. He is such a baby. I'll bet if I yelled out, "SEX!" right now, he'd run away screaming. He's probably never been laid in his life.

Jou frowns. "Not as far as I know." Oh thank Ra! Finally, someone speaks sense! "I don't reckon he'd ever – oh." Comprehension dawns on his face.

What? No! No 'oh'! THERE IS NO 'OH'!

"What?" asks the lawyer.

"I – I just realised," Jou says, still with the look of an idiot who'd just discovered the Earth was round. "He – kinda has. Yeah, he _definitely_ has."

I. Hate. Him.

Why are these people torturing me like this! They're all conspiring against me to make me look like a paedophile! I AM NOT A GODDAMN PAEDOPHILE! I've never TOUCHED an underage kid! Who would I have possibly raped? Kaiba's brother? That's just wrong!

The lawyer saying this stuff, I can almost understand. It's his job to make me look evil. But Kaiba? And Jou? Pff. Actually, if they've shacked up, it doesn't surprise me that they said the same thing. But WHY?

I add Jou to my ever-growing Shadow Realm list.

Where's Ryou? HE knows I'm not a paedophile. He'll sort everything out. Is he here?

The bloody lawyer's happy that Jou's agreeing with him. I hate them both. "And you are the defendant's friend?"

"Yeah. Well – as much of a friend as possible."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing – just," Jou hesitates. "He's kinda…crazy. He's not big on the whole friendship thing."

Great. That's just fantastic. That dumb blonde just gave everyone a free pass to call me a crazy loner who rapes children.

I hate this trial! Greasy guy could at _least_ focus on the crimes that I actually _did_, but instead he's going for the only one that's one hundred percent not true! If I didn't know better, I'd swear this whole case was just a big joke made to piss me off. Maybe if I run up the front and pull at the judge's hair, a mask will come off, to reveal…MARIK! Perhaps I should try it.

There are guards everywhere, though. Maybe later.

It's not safe to have Jou on the stand any more; he's far too stupid. He'd incriminate _himself_ if someone asked him something and included the word, 'food,' in it. But Grease man is still at it.

"Do you have any knowledge of the defendant's other crimes?"

I have a name, you know. Still, I suppose this is better than that 'Mr. Bakura' crap.

"Sure, I guess. Bakura ain't exactly known for bein' secretive about them."

"What have you witnessed him doing?"

Jou frowns as he thinks. It must be hard work. "Well, I think everyone's seen him steal stuff…after all, he was a thief in Ancient Egypt. And he sends people to the Shadow Realm a lot."

I let out a loud groan. Yeah, Jounouchi, because everyone is _sure_ to believe THAT! Why doesn't he just tell them I'm trying to steal a magic puzzle from the spirit of a three-thousand-year-old Pharaoh as well?

The lawyer looks confused. "And this…Shadow Realm, is this a metaphor for death?"

"Uh…no," Jou's expression matches Greasy guy's confusion. "The Shadow Realm is the Shadow Realm."

The people of the jury exchange worried glances. I think they think Jou's had a disturbed childhood or something.

"…Right."

I don't think Jou realises that everyone thinks he's weird now. He's completely clueless. Though I wouldn't expect anything more from someone who's getting laid by Kaiba.

"I think you can stand down now, Jounouchi."

Wow, that was fast. And boring too. Jou didn't do anything at all, except make an idiot of himself and make me sound even worse.

But what Jou does next surprises me: he doesn't leave the stand. Instead he says, "_Mister_ Jounouchi."

Greasy guy raises an eyebrow. "I'm sorry?"

"You have ta call me _Mister_ Jounouchi," Jou says. "If you call Seto, Mister Kaiba, then that makes _me_ Mister Jounouchi."

Oh, Ra. He is pathetic.

"I think you and Mr. Kaiba are slightly different cases," Greasy guy snaps at him.

"Yeah? How so?"

Hmm. This might get interesting.

"He is the head of a multi-national corporation. _You_, on the other hand, are an eighteen-year-old school kid."

"So's he!"

"Mr. Kaiba is of a far higher social status!"

"And I'm going out with him!"

"Would you _stand down_, boy!"

"No!"

I have to say, this is rather entertaining. I didn't know shouting matches were allowed in court, but as long as they are...

"FIGHT!" I yell. "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Random noise; I love it.

And no one tries to stop me. I think the judge is placing a bet with the jury over who's going to give up first, Greasy guy or Jou, so at the moment there's nothing stopping a full-scale riot happening. What better time to add a little extra chaos of my own?

So I focus all my energy into the Millennium Ring…and in a sudden flash of violet light, the judge disappears.

I take out my list of people to send to the Shadow Realm, and cross off number two.

Meanwhile, Jou and Greasy lawyer are still arguing.

"Call me Mister!"

"Stand down, boy!_"_

"Not until you call me Mister!"

Neither of them are going to budge an inch. I could be here for quite a while.

I wonder how long it'll be before they realise the judge is missing?

* * *

Oh my gods…can you say, 'uninspired'? Every single time I tried writing this chapter, I just felt so…unfunny. And it showed, I know. I'm so sorry. I blame school. Next chapter WILL be better, I guarantee. And it will be updated quicker. The slowness was school's fault too. Don't judge this chapter too harshly. 

Stupid homophobes. They should die.

And I'm DEFINITELY NOT a Jou-basher, no matter how it may have come across! The only character I intend to bash is the stupid lawyer. I hate him.

Who do you think should be next to take the stand? Because I'm completely impartial to what order I should put everyone in, so you tell me!


	3. Witness 3

The Trial

_Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

I'm so happy with the response this story's getting! And thank you so much for saying that chapter 2 didn't stink. From now on I shall keep any degrading thoughts I have to myself!

Let's see…it's been way too long since I've updated, hasn't it? I have a number of excuses I could use, but I REALLY can't be bothered typing them. Hehe. Oh. I'm meant to put a disclaimer on this thing, aren't I? Why bother? Everyone knows I own squat.

Now, by extremely popular demand…the witness for this chapter iiiiiiis…you'll find out when you read it.

* * *

After the excitement has died down – much to my disappointment – everyone tries to get back into let's-hate-Bakura-mode. But you know what they say: cut off the head and the body will die. The judge was the head.

In case you're wondering, Jou won the fight against Greasy guy. Or rather, Kaiba did, when he joined in to defend his puppy's honour. How romantic.

People are muttering to each other, and the guards are looking around for the judge. Good luck finding him! I wonder if his absence means I can go home now.

No such luck. Some _new_ person is getting into the judge's chair! A new judge! Unbelievable!

Who'd have thought a body could regrow a head?

And an ugly one at that. I try not to discriminate, but seriously, this is a very, _very_ ugly man.

"Order in the court!" What the – holy _crap! _This new judge – it can't be – I think it's a WOMAN! But – but – she looks just like a man! I've never seen anything like her…she's stocky, muscly, and I swear she has a moustache. Someone must have thrown a diseased fish in _her_ gene pool.

"_Order in the court!"_ he – sorry, _she_ – yells again, banging her little hammer up and down like a crazy person. "_I'm_ in charge here now! I don't know why your other judge bailed out, but whatever you people did to him, will _not_ work on me!"

I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. The Shadow Realm rejects no one. Not even hideous man-women.

"Now _you._" She points at Greasy guy. "Fill me in on what's happened so far." He does, but from an _offensively_ biased point of view. He likes calling me evil; how could anyone think _I'm_ evil?

Well, that's another judge who hates me.

But she seems to hate everyone else as well. She glares at Greasy guy. "I didn't ask you to sum up your entire _case_, you fool! I just told you to fill me in on what's happened! If you're _that_ much of an idiot it's no wonder you haven't won this case yet!"

Ah, touchè. Take that, Grease man!

Maybe I _won't_ send this judge to the Shadow Realm.

…

On second thoughts, I add her to my list.

The woman groans, and it sounds like a pig dying. "All right, let's get this show on the road then…you, idiot," She's referring to Greasy guy. "Next witness."

The lawyer looks pretty put out by the judge's affectionate nickname for him, but he obeys her anyway. "I call forth the next witness…" He squints at his notes.

"What's the bloody problem now?" the judge snaps.

"I – I…I can't read it, your honour. The name's written in another language."

Trust him to forget how to read when under pressure. Judge woman looks pissed off and makes him come towards her with his notes. From a distance I can see the words written on them – hieroglyphs, clearly. Surely anyone should be able to read it.

The judge tries, fails, then bitches about it.

"Hmph. Smartass. I don't suppose anyone _here_ can read Arabic."

Twitch. _Arabic_? I resist the urge to throw something at her. Instead I say, calmly and in a very level voice, "IT'S NOT ARABIC, YOU STUPID TWIT! IF THERE'S HIEROGLYPHS, THEN WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BESIDES PLAIN OLD EGYPTIAN?"

Well, I never said I'd say it in a _quiet_ voice.

Judge woman turns her glare on me. "Well, well, is this little stunt some sort of joke between you and the witness? You and he write secret little coded messages in other languages as a way to communicate secretly? You two are probably _buddies_, partners in crime! Probably been arrested fifty times between you! Writing in Egyptian is just a stupid ploy that you two use to recognise each other, getting ready for your next crime!"

My gods, this woman is raving. And I thought people looked at _me_ strangely.

"Er…" Greasy lawyer is _very_ uncomfortable. "I – I call to the stand – whoever it is written here."

Who'd write their name in Egyptian? Well, it couldn't be anyone else besides Marik. Who else knows the best language ever and has a sense of humour? It _was_ pretty funny to piss off the judge. Only Marik would think of that.

"Very well then, sir. What's your name…preferably _not_ in Egyptian?"

I'm leaning back on my chair, staring at the ceiling. Maybe I should watch. Nah, Marik won't make me sound bad.

"Yami. Yami Mutou."

I lean too far and my chair falls backwards. _SHIT!_ The Pharaoh's up there…crush…kill…destroy…

The judge growls, "We can't do anything until the bloody defendant gets off the ground."

I ignore her. Basic instinct tells me to stay on my fallen chair, planning to kill the Pharaoh. And strangling myself for calling his joke with the hieroglyphs funny. I called him funny! How can I go on?

"Get up, you lousy criminal!"

Is this a test? If I listen and get up, I'm agreeing that I'm a criminal? They can't fool me. I stay put.

"Thief!" an unfortunately familiar voice shouts. "If you get up, then by the time we get out of here I'll give you the Puzzle!"

…you know, all of a sudden I feel inspired to stand back up.

I narrow my eyes suspiciously at the Pharaoh. "What's the catch?"

He just smirks at me. Bastard.

The judge clears her throat. "If you two _crime buddies_ are finished, then we can get this damn thing over within this _century_."

Hey, I don't know about her, but _I_ can wait another century before continuing the trial. And what's with her calling me and the Pharaoh 'crime buddies'? We are _anything_ but buddies.

"We are anything but buddies," the Pharaoh says drily.

What! The bastard stole my thought! Ah well, he owes me a Puzzle.

Greasy lawyer clears his throat, glancing from the judge, to the Pharaoh, to me, then back to the Pharaoh. "Mr. – Mr. Mutou (I guess after Jounouchi, he's going to be calling _everyone_ Mister), how do you know the defendant?"

Oh, it's quite simple, sir. His father slaughtered my family. And _I'm_ the one on trial here; politics these days…

"Well," my much-hated enemy begins, giving me the evil eye. "I guess you could say I'm one of his victims."

Yes. Yes he is.

"Ah." I look from Greasy guy to the jury, and I can practically see the hentai oozing out of them. They think that the Pharaoh calling himself my 'victim' means a victim of my alleged-but-not-proven-because-it's-completely-nonexistent paedophilia.

I'd rather sleep with Pegasus.

"I see…and how many times were you a 'victim'?" Greasy guy says _victim_ in one of those victim-isn't-what-I-really-mean-but-I'm-not-going-to-say-what-I-mean-because-the-word-is-too-adult-for-my-naïve-mind tones. You know the tone I mean.

But apparently, the Pharaoh doesn't. "Well, once, really," he says. He's referring to the time I grabbed him on his way home and took him to Bakura's Dungeon of Torture and Fun (otherwise known as my bedroom, but nobody needs to know that), and left him there for a while as I tried to find his Puzzle. How was I supposed to know he left it with his damn mini-Pharaoh?

Wait. I hope Greasy guy doesn't ask the question I _think_ he's about to ask…

"Mr. Mutou, could you please describe to us what happened that one time?"

Shit.

You may be wondering why I don't want that question to be asked. It's because, if taken the wrong way, the series of events could be seen as very, very kinky. Not good.

"Well." Come on, Pharaoh, don't screw this up! Do something right for once in your worthless little life! "I was walking home one evening, when all of a sudden someone grabbed me from behind. He hit me on the head and I blacked out. When I woke up, I was tied by my wrists and ankles on a bed."

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

"Then I saw _him_." He inclines his head in my direction. "And he said to me, 'I think you know what I want.'"

REALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

"I didn't say anything, so he pointed to a wall that was covered in knives and other weapons. He said, 'We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. You know what I want, so give it to me.'"

I'm dying…please…I think I'm going to die from the horror of it all…

"Then he ripped off my jacket – "

ONLY BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO FIND THE PUZZLE!

Greasy lawyer holds up a hand. He's very pale. "That's – that's enough, Mr. Mutou. I don't think we need to hear…the rest. It must be distressing for you to relive the experience."

The Pharaoh shrugs. "Not really. Bakura may not have done that to me before, but other criminals certainly have."

Silence. That must have sounded _really_ strange to everyone else here. Even the judge is in shock.

"Er…" Greasy guy says faintly. "Well then…I think…that's all we need to know. You may stand down."

The Pharaoh walks back down to where everyone else is sitting. As he passes my seat, he tosses me a scrunched up piece of paper. I unravel it – it's a picture of me with my neck in a noose.

PEOPLE TO HUNT DOWN AND SEND TO THE SHADOW REALM

6. Jounouchi

7. The man-woman judge

8. The Pharaoh

9. The Pharaoh

10. The Pharaoh

* * *

Thumbs up to all reviewers! Tell me again who you'd like to see next! 


	4. Witness 4

The Trial

_Hikari M666, formerly Dani Wheeler-Kaiba_

Once again, cheers for the reviews! You keep me happy in this world where minors can't drink in public.

Disclaimer. You should know what a disclaimer is by now, so I'm not going to bore you by writing one. Just the word 'disclaimer' should be enough.

* * *

I check over my Shadow Realm list before the next witness is called. Hopefully this one _won't_ piss me off. There has to be one person here who isn't against me, right?

Right?

I want Ryou. He'd be nice to me.

"Hurry up with the next witness!" the judge barks.

Greasy guy shuffles around with his papers, frowning, for a moment. When he finally looks up from them, he looks slightly relieved.

"Well?" The judge raises an eyebrow.

"Your Honour, the prosecution has no further witnesses."

I shoot up in my seat and glance over at him. He looks pretty happy. Funny, _he_ hasn't been accused of paedophilia lately. You'd think I have more right to be happy. And I am. EXTREMELY happy! I WANT THIS COURT TO DIE!

"No more witnesses?" the judge repeats. My Bakura-sense is tingling…I am sensing that my torture by trial will end in three – two – one –

"Wait!" Greasy guy says suddenly.

Wait?

No!

No wait!

The judge narrows her eyes at Greasy guy. "Wait? Are there any more witnesses for the prosecution or aren't there?"

All the relief is gone from the lawyer's face, replaced by – actually, what _is_ it replaced by? His expression's gone kind of blank. I didn't know it was humanly possible to have such a clueless expression.

He slowly nods; ouch, that looked forced. He must really want this thing over and done with as much as I do. What's the matter, Greasy guy, was I not what you expected?

The judge groans. Okay, now I'm offended. They _all _want to be rid of me so soon? Pfft. They all secretly want me, I can tell.

"Fine," she snaps. "Get whoever it is up here, then."

Greasy guy nods again – and again it looks really forced. Come _on_, even I think he's being stupid now. Sure, this trial sucks and I might be going to jail, but it's nothing to blow a blood vessel over. Greasy guy opens his mouth to speak.

"I call to the stand – " Woah, and what's with his voice? It's gone all – expressionless. Like his face! What the hell? Is the next witness so bad that all the emotion has been sucked out of him? They can't be _that_ bad.

"Marik Ishtar."

…I stand corrected.

Marik's come to save me from the stupidity of everybody in here! IT'S ABOUT TIME! Now where is he?

Ah, here he comes. Excellent. Even if he doesn't completely throw this place into chaos, he'll at least put in a good word for me.

He takes a seat up the front of the room, and winks at me. He is a man with a plan. I look over at Greasy guy again, to see him blinking profusely and holding a hand up to his forehead. He's not expressionless any more, which I _suppose_ is a good thing…maybe he was suffering temporary insanity?

He stares at Marik as though he has no idea who he is. But he tries to keep things going smoothly anyway. "Oh – we have another witness after all, then. Er…would you please state your name, Sir?"

I frown. Why does Marik need to say his name, when Greasy guy just said it himself?

Marik's looking normal. By normal of course I mean he's looking evil, sadistic and up to something.

"Marik Ishtar," he says, in a suspiciously polite voice. If there was any doubt in my mind before, there isn't now; he's got something evil planned.

Greasy guy frowns and shuffles through his papers. "I don't have any record of a Marik Ishtar here…you're not on the witness list."

No record? Sounds like he's not meant to be here. Which means he came here _especially_ to cause trouble. Sweet.

But hold on; didn't Greasy guy just call Marik up to the stand? If he wasn't meant to be here…then how…how did Greasy guy know his…it doesn't make sense!

Other people seem to have realised this as well. The jury people are giving Grease man strange looks, as if they think he's mad.

"Well – er – " He's aware of the looks he's getting. "I – I suppose you can still take the stand."

"Excellent," Marik says briskly. "Ask away." He's way too happy about this.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone move. But when I turn to actually look, they're gone. Normally I'd say it was nothing, but when Marik's in the room, you never know.

"All – all right then," Greasy guy says weakly. "Mister Ishtar, how do you know the defendant?"

Marik smirks. "Oh, we're good _friends_." The way he says _friends_ makes me raise my eyebrows. He makes it sound as though by 'good friends' he means, 'screwing each other'. To set the record completely straight, we most definitely are _not_. I'm with Ryou, and it's staying that way. And I suspect that Marik and Malik secretly jump each other every night, but as of yet I have no proof of that.

But hey, Marik's got a plan here. So I'll go along with it.

Greasy guy seems to have picked up on the hint. I can actually see a bead of sweat roll down his forehead. "Yes," he mutters. "_Friends_." The sad thing is he actually sounds like he's trying to convince himself. "And – have you ever witnessed anything that would imply that the defendant engages in criminal activity?"

Marik snickers. "I always tell him that some of the things we get up to should be considered criminal."

My Bakura-sense is tingling again. And this time it's asking me what the hell Marik is up to, because I've got no idea where this is heading. Unless his aim is to make Greasy guy sick, because in _that_ respect, he seems to be succeeding.

"In – indeed." Greasy guy swallows. He's gone a bit…pale, to say the least. "Well, I don't _really_ think we need to go into details of that point – "

"Oh, it's no trouble," Marik smirks. "Let's see…oh, Bakura's a big fan of torture. And not the regular boring torture either. See, I'm partial towards whips and handcuffs, but Bakura's the type of guy who can take _any object_, and turn it into a – "

"OKAY!" Greasy guy shouts, horrified. "Please! Mister Ishtar – we _really_ don't need to go into details!"

"No, it's really quite interesting!" Marik insists. "You wouldn't believe some of the things he can do. You'd never look at a pen the same way again."

Greasy guy, who is holding a pen, drops it. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself laughing – almost everybody in the room is looking green!

But Marik isn't done yet. "Or a tree, come to think of it."

You can almost _see_ the mental images Greasy guy is getting.

"Actually, hair brushes too."

I look over at the jury just in time to see an elderly lady losing her breakfast in her handbag.

"And don't even _think_ about eggs again."

…Did he find out about that or is he just a good guesser?

Greasy guy sways on the spot. "Dear god," he murmurs, before falling flat on the floor.

You've got to be kidding; the weakling fainted! Everyone seems glad of a distraction from Marik, so they all jump up and crowd around Greasy guy, who doesn't look at though he'll be waking up any time soon.

I glance at my Shadow Realm list. Shrugging, I cross Greasy guy out. Shadow Realm, fainted, same thing.

The man-woman judge is the first to recover. "Damnit!" she snaps. "First the other judge, now him! What is wrong with this trial?"

Marik is waiting patiently at the stand. He doesn't look worried in the least. Is this all part of his plan?

One of the people near Greasy guy says, "He's not waking up, Your Honour. What do we do?"

The judge groans. "Bloody hell! Get him out of here then, he's useless. We'll need to go get another lawyer to fill in for him. This case will _never_ end…"

"Your Honour," Marik says suddenly. He's using that suspiciously polite voice again.

"What?" The judge turns to him.

"Well, as you say, you need another lawyer. It wouldn't be fair to drag one away from their important work, would it?" he says innocently. "And as luck would have it, I have a bit of experience in law myself…if it would be at all convenient, _I_ could take his place."

WHAT?

"WHAT?" the judge yells. Thought-stealer. "I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW THE LAWYER FOR THE PROSECUTION TO BE A SICK-MINDED, PERVERTED FRIEND OF THE DEFENDANT'S!"

Marik sighs. "Come on," he insists. He's pretty calm for someone being shouted at.

The judge opens her mouth to scream at him again, when she freezes. Completely freezes. Then her face goes blank – exactly the same way Greasy guy's did before! What is going on here? Is Marik behind it?

I look at Marik, and see his eyes flicker to the back of the room. I follow his gaze.

Who should be standing up the back, holding the Millennium Rod, but Malik?

Ah; it all makes sense now! Malik was controlling Greasy guy when he called Marik to the stand, I saw _Malik_ out of the corner of my eye, and now he's controlling the judge! So he and Marik are in this together…but why?

The judge speaks, in what I now know is a mind-controlled voice. "All right, you can be the new lawyer for the prosecution."

You have GOT to be kidding me. _This_ is what Marik came here for? TO GO AGAINST ME IN COURT?

Marik grins. "Excellent." He stands up and walks over to where Greasy guy once sat.

As he walks past me, I growl, "Traitor."

Marik just shrugs. "It looked like fun." He takes a seat. "Don't worry everyone, we've got _plenty_ more witnesses for the prosecution," he announces.

PEOPLE TO HUNT DOWN AND SEND TO THE SHADOW REALM

11. Marik – I'll show HIM fun.

* * *

Apologies for taking…er…five months with this chapter. I – lacked inspiration? 


	5. Witness 5

The Trial

_Hikari M666_

_This, _everybody, is the ultimate symbol of my belief that no story should go unfinished.

I haven't updated this in ten months. I had been writing it, a few words at a time, then reaching mental block after mental block, forgetting about it, writing other things, leaving the YGO fandom for the Naruto fandom . . . and yet this chapter is now in existence.

I wish I could apologise to anyone who, for whatever reason, desperately wanted a quick update, but I can't. I'm too proud of having updated.

* * *

Bloody Marik. Bloody fainting Greasy guy. Bloody man-woman judge. BLOODY TRIAL!

The only good thing about this now is that once this is all over, I can kill Marik as many times as I like.

He's just sitting there, on the other side of the room – I swear he's mocking me.

"Well?" The judge raises her eyebrows. "Next witness?" Is it just me, or is she actually being somewhat nicer to Marik than she was to Greasy guy?

"Oh, of course!" Marik sits up a bit straighter. "The next witness…let's see…"

Oh, I just _wonder_ who he'll pick.

"How about…Malik Ishtar?"

How on _Earth_ did I guess?

My Shadow Realm list is getting quite extensive. And yet somehow I get the feeling I'll be adding to it at least once more before the day is out.

Malik walks up to the stand and sits down casually. I shoot him a warning glare – he's exactly like Marik, which means I know he's up to something. After all, him using the Rod was what put Marik where he is now, and I still have no damn clue why they did that.

But then, they're Ishtars. Meaningless destruction and chaos come with the name.

"Do I have to swear on a bible or whatever?" Malik asks, looking from Marik to the judge.

The judge groans (and I think she ought to see someone about that. One man-woman can't sound that much like a pig and still be healthy). "Why the hell didn't we think of that earlier? It must have been that other idiot lawyer's fault." She gives Marik an almost impressed look. "Get a bible and you're a step ahead of him."

Marik smirks. "With all due respect, your Honour, I happen to know that this witness doesn't follow the religion of _that_ bible – "

Don't know why I'm surprised. Those two sin and break the commandments every time they're alone together.

" – but I happen to have with me the Bible of the religion he _does_ follow."

Oh gods, tell me they haven't fallen into this new 'scientology' crap or something.

"Whatever, just get on with it," the judge says impatiently.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Marik pulls something _much_ too flimsy to be a bible. He leaves his seat and approaches Malik. The judge peers down to get a look at the 'bible', but Marik has the front cover obscured.

He holds it out to Malik, who puts his hand on it.

"Do you swear on the _Cleo's Hot Sex Bible_ to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

I can't be certain whether I actually just banged my head on the table, or whether I just really, _really_ felt like it.

"_Excuse_ me?" the judge demands loudly. "The Cleo's _what? _I will not have my courtroom turned into some sort of brothel!"

"Your Honour, I find your opinion on my religion very offensive," says Malik, sounding highly insulted. Bloody actor.

Not that _I _can't act. I can put him to shame.

The judge grits her teeth. "Fine," she hisses. "Just get on with it."

"I do swear," Malik says solemnly. And, just to make sure nobody's forgotten: "On the _Hot Sex Bible."_

Marik nods and whisks the magazine away. Now he's taking to pacing around the floor with his hands behind his back, in some kind of stupid ploy to look professional. Well, I'll show _him_ professional! Let's see…how does one go about looking like a professional criminal? By having messy hair, wearing lots of black, and getting caught by police, I guess.

I'm more professional than Marik without even trying.

While he paces, he talks – melodramatically.

"Mister Ishtar, this court has reason to believe you have connections to the notorious criminal, Thief King Bakura."

Notorious crim- OI!

"I'll give YOU criminal!" I roar, springing to my feet, ready to kill. Who are these bastards holding me back?

Marik gestures toward me. "Point proven."

I underline Marik's name on my list a few times.

"In what way am I believed to be connected to this Bakura?" Malik asks smoothly – too smoothly. He's up to something, so his name goes on the list too. Hmm, I'm up to eleven people who owe their souls to the Shadow Realm (Or is it twelve? Or only nine, since the Pharaoh's there three times? Damnit, why did I confuse myself by doing that?), and only one who's actually paid their debt. I'll need to make all these mortals pay soon.

But plenty of time for that later. I want to know just what the Ishtars are playing at. What could they possibly have to gain from busting in and taking over a trial?

"In what way are you connected? In what way? I'll _tell_ you what way, Mister Ishtar!" Marik shouts at him.

What the hell does he think this is, a soap opera? Are there cameras here?

"Apart from all the vicious murders where you were, undoubtedly, Bakura's partner-in-crime – " He looks at me, as if daring me to dispute it. I think I surprise him _and_ the judge as I shrug nonchalantly.

"I can't dispute that, Your Honour," I say calmly. "Except for one _tiny_ flaw in his argument: there were no _vicious murders_."

(Under my breath, I mutter, "My murders aren't vicious.")

Marik continues to stare at me, and I switch my calm expression to one threatening his disembowelment if he continues.

He continues.

"I also have no doubt, Malik Ishtar, that despite what the Phar- ah – Yami Mutou – said about his kidnapping being all Bakura's doing, that you were involved. Did you or did you not assist Bakura by tying those knots around Mr. Mutou's wrists and ankles while he lay on the bed, unconscious?"

Malik's eyes widen innocently. You'd think that, being Malik, his eyes wouldn't be able to do that, but I suppose when standing next to Marik even Hitler would look innocent.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says. He sounds like a really bad liar. Marik and I must be the only ones who know he's telling the truth! So now not only will people think he's guilty, but they'll automatically assume I'm guilty too. Well, they'll assume WRONG.

Besides, like I'd ever get Malik to tie knots for me. They must think I'm an amateur.

"You don't know what I'm talking about?" Marik repeats. "You've _forgotten_ everything you've done? You're not just a criminal, you're a _lying_ criminal! And after swearing on your _Hot Sex Bible?_ Shame on you!"

The judge finally intervenes, banging her little hammer. "Keep it civil, you." That's probably the nicest thing she's said all day. Marik half-bows politely to her, his obsequiousness sickening me.

Malik folds his arms. "You have no proof that it was me," he says silkily.

Almost as if this was the statement Marik had been waiting for, his face splits into an evil grin.

"So it's proof you want, is it?"

"I think I have a right," Malik says defiantly.

"Oh, you have more than a right. In fact, it's my duty to provide proof of my claims." Bloody hell, that voice must be sending shivers down everyone's backs. Not mine, of course, but Marik's voice is too damn conniving to be legal in a courtroom.

"What are you suggesting? _Sir?"_

I cringe. Malik calling Marik _Sir_ has to be a crime in itself.

Marik draws right up close to Malik, so their faces are inches apart.

"I am suggesting – in fact, I am not suggesting, I am _ordering_ – that you follow me to a bed resembling Bakura's, and you give me an example of your knot-tying skills."

Oh.

My.

Shit.

He is not saying…

No.

He _cannot_ be saying…

If he _is_ saying…

I look between Marik and Malik, searching for any kind of sign of lying.

None.

He _is _saying…

"I SWEAR TO YOU, MARIK, YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!"

I focus all my energy and tap into my Ring's powers, but not quickly enough. Marik grabs Malik and practically flies out of the room. People are yelling, some trying to stop them, some trying to stop me. _How dare they try to stop me! I'm going to kill both of those Ishtars where they stand!_

Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.

I underline their names on my Shadow Realm list so many times that I go through the paper. So they were using this as some excuse to play out one of their kinky fantasies?

Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.

And if they dare to use my bed…

There won't be enough of them left to be witnesses in my trial.

* * *

Well, this is what I leave you with, everyone. If you had this on your alert list and still have any interest in reading, I congratulate you for your loyalty. I know I wouldn't have it. XD


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